yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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