I'm eating all of the evidence.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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