walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
