I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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