Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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