i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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