the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
