I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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