Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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