There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
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Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA