Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
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Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
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I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
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