We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"