Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
