I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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