I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
