her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
