Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
two words: eviction party
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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