this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
