so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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