well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
