i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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