I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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