Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
