She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
