don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
