I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
