Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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