We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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