i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
