There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
