Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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