i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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