Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
