I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
