So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
