make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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