he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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