I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
