i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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