I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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