I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
