Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
