I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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