Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
