Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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