Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just forgot I was standing up.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
