I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
