I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
