On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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