omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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