so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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