Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
