I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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