Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
