i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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