I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
