I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
