Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
