he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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