I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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