glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
