I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
