I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
