In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
