Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
